Bible for Applicants — Solape Adetutu Adeyemi

Bible for Applicants

As an applicant in Lagos, one of the first things that must be seen in you is your humility. Yeah. You’re one of the many millions in the job market, so you must be humble. Why must you be taken or preferred above all else for this job slot amidst thousands of anxious and hungry applicants jostling for that one position?! Abi, you have two heads ni?!

You must avoid eye contact so you’ll not be taken as being forward. You wouldn’t want your prospective employers to think ‘this one will be challenging my decisions’!

If you’re offered tea, drink it most carefully and with obsequiousness! Compliment the tea by saying it’s the best tea plus teacup you’ve ever had in your entire life! Be overly grateful for this free tea!

You must look sharp. Yup! You wonder how, given the fact that you’ve been traversing the streets of Lagos in your search for a job, any job, trekking most times due to the paucity of cash and surviving on bread and pure water. How the Hell will you get the funds to look ‘sharp’, bloody squatter like yourself?

Please do not go for an interview with your belt a different colour from your shoes ooo. This is a no-no! Borrow if you must borrow for the two to match, biko!

You must form ‘toosh!’ Yes so. You cannot come and be speaking your thick Yoruba, Ibo or Hausa accented English. No! Completely unacceptable! You can prep yourself up by going on YouTube to listen to programs bordering on pronunciation. Borrow data if you must!

Do not smile. I repeat, do not smile. Your prospective employer is actually tryna do you a favour by considering you, don’t go and be forming easy familiarity at the interview panel, else you’re a goner. Aside from that, it is most disrespectful before your betters.

Be on edge. Be fidgety. Let them see how desperate you are to get this almighty slot. Let them know you’re willing to do anything to cinch this role. Tell them you work well under pressure, you’re ready to work at odd hours, clean, dust, do anything, even kiss ass! You’re ready even to work at midnight! All for the love you have for the organization!

Lastly, do not argue about payment. Be conservative in your estimate lest the job be given to another. You can even say ‘Whatever you give to me, commensurate to the role is fine by me’. Let it be your byline, lest the role slip through your fingers like the slippery eel!

Your age… hmmmm. I cannot tell you the number of qualified cum overqualified applicants who have been denied jobs because of this age brouhaha. My advice? Reduce your age drastically. Let them know you finished primary school at age four because you were a child prodigy. Plus you already had five years working experience at age twenty! Na d way ooo.

Please adhere strictly to the foregoing, else you go back to trudging the weary streets of Lagos with your even wearier body.

Ire ooo. A word is enough for the wise.

Solape Adetutu Adeyemi is an avid reader and creative writer. She is an award winning writer with published articles in the following magazines and journals; Lagosmetro TV, Writenow literary journal, Upwrite magazine, Poetry marathon and Lullaby of Silence anthology. In addition, she is the treasurer of the Association of Nigerian Authors, Lagos chapter.

She has certifications in Movie Production and Script Writing from the Lagos Film School. She is also a voiceover artiste.

Solape has a Bachelor’s degree in Microbiology and a Masters in Environmental Management in which she made a distinction.

She has over thirteen years experience in FMCG in the following capacities: Quality assurance, Admin and HR.

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